Breathless
by the2marauders
Summary: She'd heard the words so many times, but she hadn't believed them before him... It was just something about the way he said them. James Lily.
1. Breathless

Maybe a one shot. Maybe a story for the long haul. Either way, enjoy!

I do not own the characters, locations, etc. J.K. Rowling, you own all.

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Breathless

Breathing is easy, isn't it? It's natural and gracious. It's like gravity, constantly pulling on your body to stay on this earth. Most of the time, I forget I'm even doing it. Most of the time, I take it for granted. I've come to learn, however, that I take a lot more than breathing for granted.

On July 15th, at 2:38 P.M., I learned what it's like to not be able to breathe, to not be held together by gravity . . . to shatter. It was an alien experience, incomprehensible and earth-shattering.

I remember the moment perfectly, the moment where it all changed. I was helping my mum knead the dough for her special and delicious homemade bread.

And then the phone rang. My mum was whisking some eggs as she held the receiver between her ear and shoulder. All of the sudden, the eggs and phone clattered to the floor, soaking the kitchen rug, and tears were streaming down my mum's face, and she was shaking all over. She quickly retrieved the phone from the mess and listened intently to the rest of the message, asking through quiet sobs for more details.

And there I sat in confusion, imagining the worst. Except...I wasn't _really_ imagining the worst.

My mother hung up the phone and took a seat across from me, quietly sobbing, with a certain insane and disbelieving look on her face. She looked like she was trying very hard to wrap her head around something. And I couldn't for the life of me understand what it was. I was too frozen in fear to ask.

She finally lifted her eyes to face my own, the tears in my eyes now mirroring hers.

"Mum... what's happened?"

"Lily," she breathed. It was a broken sound. "That was Joe on the phone." Joe was Dad's co-worker. "He told me that your father... He's dead, Lily."

And then she lost it. I watched her as she moved at hyperspeed: keys and phone thrown in her purse, a sweater shoved inside-out over her dirty shirt and hands, a different colored flip flop on each foot. Tears streaming, and sobs muffled by her constant shifts in direction, she finally flew through the front door.

I followed, numb.

I don't remember the car ride. I don't remember Mum calling Petunia, but vaguely remember her getting in the car from some place or another. I don't remember what the receptionist said as we shuffled into the waiting room. I don't remember feeling hungry or tired or angry or sad. I was too numb to remember.

What I did remember, however, was what the doctor told us: heart attack, severe, killed him in seconds.

* * *

The next days passed much like those first moments after learning the news, quietly hysterical. The preparations were a burden to my mother, and Petunia and I tried to help as much as possible. None of us wanted to mourn. None of us wanted to accept the truth. And so we kept busy, moving and... functioning I guess. I don't know if you could really call it functioning though. Survival maybe.

The wake and funeral passed. I hadn't cried since that first moment I'd seen the tears in my mother's eyes, but as they lowered his body into the ground, my body quaked with distress, and the river of tears broke through the dam. It felt like it would never stop. And it wouldn't ever stop _really_.

I was going to spend my whole life missing him.

Adalyn and Beth were there. They're two of the four girls I share a room with at Hogwarts. And they are my closest friends. They tried to comfort me all throughout the reception, holding my hands, handing me tissues, murmuring their sorry's.

I just needed this day to be over.

As the last guests were filtering out, adding their condolences to the pile, Adalyn and Beth pulled me to the side and gave me a small and hopeful smile.

"Lily," Beth began, "We can't understand what you're going through. And we're sorry for that. But we are your mates, and we plan on being there through thick and thin."

"Yah," Adalyn joined in, "And this one happens to be one of the thick ones, but we are going to help you make it through."

"Yah?" I asked, "How?"

"Tonight, at 12:45, meet us outside your house."

I gave them a withered stare.

"Look guys, I appreciate whatever it is. Really. But... I'm exhausted," I argued pathetically.

"Lily. _Please_." Adalyn begged. "We promise, it will make you feel better."

I pursed my lips, considering for a few moments, then nodded my head. I wouldn't be getting any sleep either way.

At 12:35, I tiptoed out of bed and tugged on a pair of yoga pants and a clean t-shirt. I grabbed my bag and threw my house key and wallet inside. I took my flip flops in hand and walked downstairs, hoping that the creaking of the floorboards wouldn't give me away.

When I got outside, Beth and Adalyn were waiting for me. I quickly shoved my flip flops on and gave them a half-hearted smile.

"Okay, I'm ready."

They could hear the doubt in my voice.

"Lily, we promised we'd be there for you, and this is part of how we are going to do it. Trust us, yeah?" Beth nodded along to Adalyn's words.

"Yah.. yah I do trust you. Let's do...whatever it is we're doing then."

"We're going to apparate. Give us your hand. I'll do it, Adalyn."

We clasped hands, and my stomach clenched as the air was disappearing from my lungs. I closed my eyes and, before I opened them again, recognized the scent of salt water. We were at a beach.

I opened my eyes and realized that yes, indeed we were on a beach, but also that all around were people that I recognized: Patty Grayson, Lucas Woods, my other roommates Delilah Wright and Jill Harris (who I was very surprised to see...we're not exactly _friends_ ), even the Marauders had made an appearance. In fact, I'd say that all of the 6th and 7th year students were here, from every house, save a few Slytherins. How in the world had Beth and Ad managed that?

I noticed music in the background, nothing heavy, just enough to fill the silence. Tables were set all around the area for drinks and the typical late night snacks. Chairs were scattered along the edges.

People were clumped in groups of three or four, animatedly talking. The groups near us quieted after our appearance, and, soon enough, a hush spread over the crowd. They all looked at me...or at their feet. The silence became slightly awkward, and Beth and Adalyn took notice.

Beth grabbed a chair and lifted herself onto it.

She cleared her throat, "Hello everybody. Thank you guys for coming. I'd like to start by saying that Christopher Evans was a pretty awesome guy. We've spent the past couple of days... wearing black and crying and mourning and eating gross funeral crackers and watching one of our best friends and _his_ beautiful daughter go through hell. And that's just not what he was about. Lily's dad...He was a rockstar, and not to mention a sight for sore eyes." Laughter rose from the crowd, and -I was surprised to find- even I laughed at Beth's antics. She'd always thought my dad was _very_ good looking. I shook my head in mocking disapproval. "Tonight, we honor his life...by celebrating it. We've got a number of tealight candles around, and we'd like you to light one if you've ever been touched by Christopher Evans. But...many of you didn't know Mr. Evans. You do know Lily though, and let me tell you: she is an exact replica of her dad. She's got his monstrous eating habits and his weird craze with tea bag covers. But she's also got his kindness and compassion, his graciousness and his charm, his humor and his obnoxious laugh. And so he'll never really be gone. He'll continue to live on in the lives he's touched and through his daughter and the lives she's touched." I watched her, as did everybody else, as she hopped off the chair and stepped over to a table where, packed a mile high, were packages of tealight candles. She ripped a pack open and lifted one delicately. After lighting it, she moved towards the shore, leaving footprints in her wake, and set the candle free into the ocean.

"To Christopher Evans," someone said, though I couldn't see who through the throngs of people.

Adalyn moved towards the table of candles, mimicking Beth, and soon enough, everybody followed suite.

After lighting my own candle and making it past a few brave people that decided to approach me and let me know that if I needed anything, "anything at all," they'd be there for me, I found myself a little ways off, sitting along the shore just... thinking.

I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice the person approaching me until he had plopped himself right down next to me. It was very unexpected... not just because I was a bit out of it but also because of _who_ it was.

We sat in silence for a few more seconds before he began to speak.

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hi." I whispered back. I noticed he'd brought along a pack of candles.

I'm sure he felt the tension just as much as I did, but I was too drained to care and he...well he probably didn't care either. It's not like we've ever been very verbose with one another.

"I wanted you to know that if you..." He broke off, and I turned to look at him, noticing his furrowed brows as he stared off into the nothingness of the 3 A.M. sky. "If you need anything, I can be there for you."

It was strange. I'd heard the words an unbelievable number of times over the past week, and yet I found that it was the first time I believed them. Just the way he said them...

"What I mean is that I feel a certain... erm, I've experienced something... uh, I wanted to..." I watched as he struggled for words. He dragged his fingers through his messy hair in frustration. "Suffice it to say that I've been in your shoes. And even though we aren't exactly _friends_ , and I probably wouldn't be your first choice -in fact I'd probably be your last, thinking about it now. Or maybe second to last. Only after Sirius. Or maybe not even after Sirius." He let out a deep sigh and stared at his toes as they shifted the sand in various directions, "Anyways, I'll be around. I'll... be there for you." He choked those last words out. "I know most of the time I'm a prat and can't keep my mouth shut, but I actually can be a fairly good listener. Promise."

It was safe to say that I was a little bit more than confused. Be there for me? Before this moment, I don't think we'd ever even had a civil conversation. But what really tripped me up was the "in my shoes" part.

"When you say you've been in my shoes-?"

"My mum died. One year and seven months ago."

I was dumbfounded. I hadn't known.

"How?"

"Cancer." The word hung heavy in the air. "You know, with our world being magical and being able to work miracles and everything, you'd think we'd have figured that out by now. But no. I had to watch my mum fight for every second that she got. And even though she didn't get as many as she deserved, she fought hard... She was very brave. I think she tried to be...just for me."

"I- I'm so sorry. I hadn't known."

The silence was deafening. I now knew what it felt like to lose a parent, and I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, not even him.

He broke the silence. "Would you mind if I lit one of these for my mum?"

I gave him what I hoped was an encouraging smile as I nodded. I watched him light the candle with his wand and set it free among the waves.

He quickly lit another one and let it follow closely behind the first. I gave him a confused stare.

"For your dad," he answered my unspoken question. "You have his eyes, you know."

I gave him a bewildered stare. Of course _I_ knew I had his eyes. But how did _he_ know that?

"You know... You _knew_ my dad?"

"Yah. It's actually an interesting story." He gave me a crooked smile. "Want to hear it?"

I nodded diligently.

"So, it was September first, right? Second, maybe third year. My parents were a few ways off talking to the... the Patils, I believe it was. Anyways, I was in a hurry to get on the train and meet up with the fellas, and so I tried to lift my luggage on my own onto the train." He made a face, mocking the younger version of himself. "Obviously, that wasn't the best idea. My scrawny arms were shaking, holding the luggage above my head, and they were just about to give in. I can see the headlines now," He put on a deep, radio-type voice, "12-year-old boy dies by way of luggage attack." He rolled his eyes. "And then out of nowhere, the luggage was lifted out of my arms and onto the train. When I looked around to see who it was, I didn't recognize him. But he told me he was your dad. And that someday I would be stronger than all of the other boys and I'd be able to lift three luggages at a time, but that, for now, I was to leave the luggage-lifting to the 'rents."

He grinned at the story. It was...nice. And heartbreaking. But mostly nice.

"So yeah, you're dad _basically_ saved my life."

"He does tend to do that," I smiled.

Then I laughed and he laughed. And after the laughter died, we watched the candles float a few meters away. I broke the silence.

"What was her name?" He immediately knew who I was referring to.

"Anne." His eyes stared into the darkness, marred only by scattered lights in the distance.

I reached over and grabbed a candle. He stared at it in my hands before meeting my gaze. I gave a considering glance his way before looking down at the candle and lighting it.

"To Anne Potter, who must have been one amazing woman to put up with you," I joked and heard his exasperated laugh. "Rest in peace, Anne. Say hello to my dad for me, would you?" And then I let the candle follow his out towards sea.

"I think I'm going to head out." I watched as he got up and dusted the sand off of his shorts. He looked down at me and gave me a crooked smile again. "See you around, Evans." And then he walked off.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was shouting his name. He looked around, his eyes reflecting what little light there was, and he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Thank you," I said, somewhat pathetically. I looked down at my fingers, knotted together.

"For what?"

"Just...just thank you." I gave him the best smile I could muster. And then he was gone.

I sat alone for a couple of minutes before Beth and Adalyn came and sat on either side of me.

"Hey," Adalyn greeted.

I quickly wrapped my arms around both of them.

"I love you both. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course we know," Beth whispered. "And we love you too."

"You are the best mates I could've asked for. All of this," I said, my hands demonstrating all of their hard work, "It was more than I could've imagined. You... You've helped me _breathe_ again."

And there we sat, as more and more people apparated home, sitting like statues, watching the lights bobbing in the water grow dimmer and dimmer as they distanced themselves from us until the sunrise engulfed them in its beauty.

I was going to be okay. I didn't believe that before tonight. But thanks to be people like Beth Wilson and Adalyn Crawford and even people like James Potter, I knew I was going to be okay. For even the sun, though it drowns each night in darkness, rises from the dark with grace and beauty with help from the lights that shine for eternity. Tonight, those lights would be Anne Potter and Christopher Evans.

* * *

The rest of the summer months passed in a blur, each day with few distinctions from the one previous. Mum forced Petunia and I to the beach whenever she had to deal with... certain things, like packing away Dad's stuff. She didn't want us to see her that day, but her eyes were still red and puffy from the crying when we got back.

I'd forgotten everything that I used to think about before my dad died, and so it was a shock and kind of a wake up call when I got my Hogwarts letter. I was definitely ready to go back to school. Distractions were good.

What surprised me most, however, was the pin that fell out of my envelope.

Oh dear.

I held it tightly in my grasp. Tears graced my face as I began to speak to him. "Hey, Dad. I just wanted to let you know, I'm Head Girl... and I'm going to make you so proud of me. I love you."

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Thank you for reading! Leave a comment, let me know if maybe you do want this to be more than a one shot! Anyways, have a very wonderful Thanksgiving :)

peace . love . potter


	2. Alone

Oh gosh, I'm really not sure how I feel about this chapter, but here goes! Happy reading :)

I do not own the characters, locations, etc. J.K. Rowling, you own all.

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Alone

I've always been a pretty independent girl. Responsible. Reserved. I think that tends to let people forget about me. They just think "Oh Lily's alright, that tough cookie. No need to get in her way. Let's let her deal with it all on her own."

All on my own...

Alone.

I feel like I don't remember what it's like to not be alone. I don't remember what it's like to have a sister that cares about me, to have a mum and dad intrigued by the cool _and_ boring parts of my life, to have friends that I can totally and completely demolish any walls that stand between us and just be 100% me.

But I guess that's my own fault. The last part at least. I just...tend to get hurt when I let my guard down. And I hate feeling hurt. So, I just keep those walls up, plaster a smile on my face, and go about the superficiality of life.

I didn't always used to be that way. I wasn't always the girl that hid from the world behind her Transfiguration and Charms textbooks. I wasn't always afraid of what the world had to offer. When I think about when that all changed, I pinpoint a particular day. But that's not right, is it? It's been a gradual thing. It took me a while to build up these walls, to gather up the materials of fear and bitterness and layer them on top of the other until I was secluded from everything but my own calloused thoughts.

That day that I was talking about, there's not much need to go over all the nitty gritty details. It was the day when I lost Severus.

Not physically, of course.

 _Metaphorically._

And no one _got_ it. No one understood. No one had any empathy to share.

How could they? The boy who hid behind snide comments, who got darker and darker, more evil with each passing day -no one could understand why I felt any regret towards losing him. But I did. My heart was torn.

I miss him. More than I'd care to admit. But I do.

Severus wasn't at the wake that Beth and Adalyn had planned. I feel stupid because I somehow still expected him to be there. I shouldn't have let myself hope.

These are my thoughts this September first, as I'm set to apparate to King's Cross after maybe another three trips to the loo to make sure that, yes, I had, in fact, packed my toothbrush and shampoo and razor and face wash. I've never gone to King's Cross alone. My mum and dad had always been there to kiss me goodbye. Not this year.

I checked to make sure my pin was where it was supposed to be. But as my fingers grabbed hold of it, I couldn't help but worry that maybe I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't leave my mum alone. If I leave, we'll all be alone.

We'd already said our goodbyes the night before -we knew that it would be too hard this morning. And yet, I couldn't help myself. I was running down the stairs two seconds later. I took a right into the kitchen and found her there, putting out a pot of tea. She looked up, surprised, her eyes pink and glossy. In three long strides I was by her side and holding her in my arms.

We held each other for an immeasurable amount of time, so tight. When we finally pulled back, her hands wiped the tears off my face.

"I love you, Lily. So much."

"I love you too, Mum. I'm going to miss you."

"Oh me too, Lily. Who is going to help me make my tea just right? I'm helpless when it comes to honey-lemon ratios." She laughed lightly. It was good to hear.

And so one last time, before the morning hours got too far away from us, I made her tea, just like Dad used to do. We ate a few biscuits and smiled at each other a lot. I gave her hand one more tight squeeze before I rewinded the past hour and ended up back in my room, ready for this year, for this day, for this moment. I shut my eyes and for the shortest second, I was completely alone. When I opened them again however, King's Cross Station was bustling with students chatting and running to catch the bright red Hogwarts Express.

I took everything in. This was my last first day of school, my last September first. This was it. To my left there was a little girl. She was blonde and had freckles all over her face. She was already dressed in her robes and kept fidgeting with the hem nervously. Her older brother, a fifth year named Michael Roberts if I remember correctly, quickly gave his parents a hug and was off to meet his friends who were waiting outside the train. The little girl however remained rooted to the spot. I vaguely listened as her parents tried to coax her into getting on the train. The clock ticked closer to eleven, and smoke began to leave the exhaust as the engines fired up. And yet, I found myself rooted in place, like the little girl.

I was terrified. Deep breaths, Lily. I shut my eyes and listened to the murmuring around me.

"Come now, Julie. There's no more time to waste. You simply must get on the train." Mrs. Roberts was definitely getting frustrated.

"Mum, I'm so scared," Julie whimpered.

"Don't be foolish. I'll go bring her luggage. Deal with this, please John?" I heard her heels click away.

"Julie. Hey, look at me." His voice was tender, kind. It made me open my eyes, and I saw the father kneeling before his daughter. She sniffled, and he wiped a stray tear off of her face. "Are you afraid, my love?" She nodded and scrunched up her face as she tried to hold back more tears. "There is nothing to fear. You will make so many friends. You will learn so much. You'll probably grow a foot taller and be able to beat Michael at Quidditch by the end of the year. I'll write you every week, my love. Every single week. Do you trust me?" She nodded. "Alright, take my hand." And so Julie took his hand and they walked together over to the train. She gave him a big hug and kiss and gave the same to her mum before she hopped on the train with a hopeful smile on her face. John wrapped his arm around his wife and kissed her forehead as they waited for the train to depart.

I smiled to myself, savoring the kindness of Julie's father for a few moments longer. I turned around eventually, realizing how late it was, only to be stopped in my tracks by another family unfolding before my eyes.

His father's hands straightened out his collar and adjusted something on the front of his robes that I couldn't quite see. After saying goodbyes and what I'm assuming was a stern lecture on the do's and don'ts, Mr. Potter grasped his son's hand and pulled him into a tight embrace. Mr. Potter then gave one more sturdy nod and walked away.

Not wanting to be caught spying, I quickly carried my luggage to the back of the train and began my attempts at loading it on. Save it to say that those twenty seconds of hard labor had me sweating bullets -not a sight for sore eyes.

"You do realize that you can just levitate it on, don't you?" Before I knew it, both mine and his luggage were loaded, and I had no where to look but at him.

"Of course I knew that, Potter. Haven't you ever heard of the phrase 'Hold on to sixteen as long as you can'? I just...wanted to hold on to...to Muggle Lily as long as I could. It's our last year. I was feeling nostalgic." Quick thinking, Lil. You are simply bril.

"As a matter of fact, I _have_ heard of that saying. I think it's quite stupid actually."

"Of course _you_ would think that it's stupid." And then there were a few seconds of awkward silence as he looked down at his shuffling feet and I adjusted the strap of my bag. He looked up at me and, flustered, ran his hand through his messy hair, a wretched habit that has bugged me for years.

He let out a gust of air and attempted a smile. "So how are you doing, Evans?"

And I'm not really sure why, because he was being fairly nice and only slightly a bother, but it was here that I lost it a little bit.

"Listen, Potter. We're not friends, okay?" I watched as the kind look washed from his face. "I appreciate your attempts at acting as a decent bloke, but I don't like you, and you don't like me, remember? So, stop pitying me, and let's just go back to doing what's best for everyone: ignoring each other." And with that, I turned away and boarded the Hogwarts Express alone.

I felt his eyes on my back the whole way until I found my compartment. Beth lay sprawled on one side with a book held up above her head while Adalyn had her elbow resting on the window sill, looking out onto the station. I did my very best to shut out the guilt that I felt with the closing of the compartment door.

"Lily!" Adalyn jumped up and wrapped her arms around me while Beth merely smiled at our upside down figures. "We missed you! What took you so long? We got a little worried there." Beth and Ad exchanged a look.

"Just some trouble with the luggage is all. And I missed you too. Come on, tell me all about Greece." We sat on the bench and Ad crossed her legs as she began an avid retelling of her trip. Beth closed her book to listen. Adalyn told of food and architecture and family and, of course, lots and lots of boys. We giggled so much at Adalyn's more than PG-13 summer, we probably sounded like second years. We very well gave the old woman with the trolley a fright with our howling. But she left quite cheerily as we'd bought nearly the entirety of the trolley's contents.

Wrappers lay askew as Beth poked around for a decent Bertie Bott's Bean, Adalyn nursed her Acid Pop, and I took another bite of my Chocolate Cauldron, and we all lay very content. Our laughter had died down, and sleepiness started to take over as the second hour of our trip was coming to a close.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"12:55," responded Beth lazily.

"Shit." I jumped up and started loading my bag once more with everything I'd had to dig out earlier to find some sickles and quickly slung it over my shoulder. I slammed opened the compartment door and managed to shout 'Prefect meeting!' at Ad and Beth's inquiring looks before bolting down the hall.

I reached the compartment at the far end of the train in record time and was breathing heavily as I shuffled in with the prefects. I took my seat against the window, the seat where Roberta Bell had sat during my first prefect meeting and had scared me half to death. I laughed at the memory. Now, here I was: Head Girl. I looked at the fifth year that sat where I once had, and I gave her an encouraging smile. I was no Roberta Bell after all; I would be the best Head Girl that Hogwarts had ever seen. At least that's what I tried to tell the knots that had me feeling sick inside. Calm, Lily. Just be calm. I checked the watch that I'd managed to get on before leaving my compartment and noticed that it was now 12:58, and every seat was filled except for one.

Where was the Head Boy?

 _Who_ was the Head Boy?

And almost as if on cue, the door slid open, and in stepped the Head Boy. I guess it made sense. He was smart and talented and people admired him -Merlin only knows why. But it still didn't stop my jaw from dropping. That's what his father had adjusted on his robe and what I'd failed to notice in my flustered state when I spoke to him earlier -the pin.

James bloody Potter plopped down beside me because, you see, James bloody Potter was the bloody Head Boy. Let's say bloody just one more time, shall we? Bloody Merlin, this can't be true. The gods up there or down there or wherever the heck they are cannot hate me _that_ much as to make James bloody Potter Head Boy. (Okay, I said 'bloody' an extra time, give me a break. I'm having a crisis here.) Can you say 'embarrassment?' Oh yah, and the guilt? The guilt was back. But mostly just embarrassment. My cheeks were so flushed by the time I finally looked up into the eyes of 24 expectant Prefects, not into his though, I couldn't bare that quite just yet.

My sweaty fingers reached for the papers I'd prepared and made creases in the parchment where I held them.

"Uh...um, settle down please," -although it was already quite settled, thanks to the entrance of the bloody Head Boy- "Yes. Wel-" Here I choked just a little bit and had to cough three or four times. Pull yourself together, Evans. I closed my eyes and took a very deep breath -the best damn Head Girl Hogwarts has ever seen. This is _mine_ , and no one, not even James bloody Potter can take it away from me. And so I squared my shoulders, left the papers on the table, and gave a big smile at the uncomfortable room.

"Welcome everybody to another year at Hogwarts. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. First, a congratulations to our new prefects: You are the best and brightest, never forget that. And as for the rest of you, just because this isn't your first year doesn't mean you get to skive off on your responsibilities, yah? If anything, even more is expected of you. And that's not to be a burden; these kids look up to you -don't lose sight of that. You are here to keep things safe and orderly, to lend a helping hand to that lost first year who will unfortunately be late to Professor McGonagall's class, to keep spirits up when things in the outside world don't look too promising. You are important, and what you have to do is important. I have only the greatest admiration for all of you. Please come to me or James with anything in which you might need assistance." I gave a once over of the room, my eyes _very_ quickly passing over those hazel ones to my left, and then gave a slight nod. "Alright then, down to business."

And so for the next fifteen minutes or so, I went about the processes of patrols and the point system as well as Hogsmeade trips and the notification boards in each house. Everyone was very amenable, and there were no questions at the very end -a godsend. I passed out the calendar and told everyone to sign their name for which day they'd prefer to patrol.

"Is there anything you'd like to add, Potter?" I continued to adjust my papers, although it was mostly so that I wouldn't have to look at him. He hadn't spoken once.

"I think you pretty much said it all. Although about this whole not-being-lenient at-all-with-the-rules bit, I'd like to ask everyone to be just a tad bit lenient after Gryffindor wins its matches. Y'know, the parties and all." Laughter rose from the small group, and I maybe smiled a little bit before remembering that I shouldn't. "But other than that, I think the Evans said it all. Remember, we're here if you need anything." A long silence as the calendar finally reached Potter. He started scribbling his name before looking up, "You can leave," he said matter-of-factly.

The last prefects were filing out when he handed me the schedule.

"Here you go." I merely nodded. "And good job with all of this. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help. I'm sure once I learn the ropes and all that it'll be much-"

"There's no need for that."

He looked at me, dumbfounded.

"What?"

"You just...go be James" bloody "Potter, and do your thing. Leave this to me. It'll be a lot easier if you're not in the way." I didn't look at him as I filed the calendar into my bag, but when there was nothing else to do, I slung my bag over my shoulder and looked him square in the eye. He looked hurt.

"Goodbye." I turned to leave.

"So you didn't mean what you said then?"

"What's that?" I already had one foot out the door.

"That I'm 'important' and that you only have the 'greatest admiration' for me? Or was that speech meant for everyone except me?" Hurt, he was definitely hurt, though he tried to cover it up with anger. And, I'm not going to lie, I felt a little bit bad.

"Don't take it personally, Potter… I just like to work alone." And then I left.

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Thank you for reading! Reviews are like ice cream on a hot August day

peace . love . potter


	3. Deception

Heyyy. Well, here's another one. It takes place on the same day as chapter two, so if you thought you could just skip on over to chapter three, ha you were wrong :P

Hopefully intelligible. Hopefully entertaining. Hopefully not... awful.

Enjoy!

I do not own the characters, locations, etc. J.K. Rowling, you own all.

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Deception

I know what you're thinking. _Lily, you're a terrible person. How could you be so… so mean?_

Hm.

Let's get to know James Potter, shall we?

James Potter was born on March 27.

And no, I don't know that because of some weird obsession I might have with the boy, but rather because I've had the most prefect filing business to do in regards to that date. Because James Potter believes March 27 to be the day that the world was blessed with the most beautiful human to ever walk its unworthy soil, and _that_ apparently was reason for celebration. But no, it wasn't just _any_ old gathering of friends, rather the parties were always big and full of alcohol and drugs and sex and fireworks in common rooms and an incredulous number of students out of bed past curfew, bumbling about drunkenly down halls, singing old pub songs or sobbing dramatically because they couldn't find their trousers or even trying to get into Dumbledore's office to give him all sorts of things to mull over, things like the clashing of scarlet and gold with the fuchsia skirt meant to impress Gregory Lyle, the Gryffindor Keeper, or that motorboats should really be considered as a mode of transportation from class to class, you know, to make sure people got to lessons on time, or really just how incredibly stupid a majority of the Hogwarts population was, especially on March 27.

But that's really besides the point.

So yes, James Potter was born on March 27 to Charles and Anne Potter. He is an only child. He has quite the vault at Gringotts is the gossip. He's in Gryffindor House and on its Quidditch team, playing the position of Chaser and Captain and now Head Boy. He has jet black hair that sticks up in all directions as well as hazel eyes that always taunt behind smudgy glasses. He's joined at the hip to Sirius Black -quite the set, those two. He is undeniably intelligent. He is also, undeniably, an idiot. But first and foremost in my mind, James Potter is a liar.

I know what you're thinking. _Well… Lily, it sure didn't_ seem _like you thought he was a huge liar when you were all grateful to him and kissing the ground he walked on that night at the beach._

Hm.

I'll come back that. I promise. Let's just continue getting to know James Potter, shall we?

As a first year, it was all swell, you know? Boys and girls were mostly still in the cooties phase, and so Potter and I got on quite well then. Our interactions were reserved towards no more than "Hey. Pass the pudding," at the dinner table.

Second year was mostly alright. He got a huge head, something about Quidditch reserves or whatnot. And so he thought himself king of the world. But he left me alone, which was fantastic.

Third year was where it got a little tricky. For one reason or another, I became an object of great interest to James Potter.

The feeling was definitely not mutual.

As a thirteen year old girl, you've got that weird feeling of high status and responsibility because, heck, you're a _teenager_ now. So you feel all special and that you are the epitome of perfection, and you look down on silly boys who are definitely four years behind in maturity, boys like James Potter, with the pranks and snide comments and completely inappropriate behavior.

And you make it _extremely_ clear that those are your feelings as they profess their imaginary love and make marriage proposals at the dinner table. And I do mean EXTREMELY clear, because honestly, I don't know what else throwing a pitcher of pumpkin juice in their face as you shout 'Never in a million years, Potter' could otherwise mean…

But apparently, Potter thought it to mean otherwise. He asked me to every Hogsmeade day -I said no every time. Each new rejection didn't change a thing, however. Two weeks prior to each trip, you name it, singing chickens, howlers, exploding potions, flowers (lilies… how cliche), he tried them all.

It was the outing in February where he lost it. Because though I said no to him, I did not say no to the cute Hufflepuff boy who had been my partner for the Transfiguration project. He was so nervous to ask me, but I actually liked Thomas -he was kind and intelligent and definitely not four years behind in maturity, maybe only two. So I smiled as he finally got the words out, and I told him that I would love to go out to Hogsmeade with him for Valentine's Day.

Though a nuisance, Potter had never been vile, but when he discovered that I'd said 'Yes' to some other bloke, vile he became. For not two days later was Thomas rambling on about some excuse or another, trying to get out of our date.

"Thomas, what's really going on? You can tell me," I had encouraged.

He looked so uncomfortable as he stared at his shuffling feet. "Well… the thing is... I _know_."

A long pause.

"Know what?"

"About, you know, your little problem."

I asked him to politely explain this little problem.

He did.

It was not ten minutes later that I was storming into the Gryffindor common room, heading straight towards the stupid idiot who was playing a game of Exploding Snap near the fire. There wasn't a single second of hesitance as I slapped him across the face.

He shouted something in indignation as I stormed up the stairs, but I paid no attention.

Beth was in the room, and I asked her immediately how many people knew.

"It's all over the school, Lil."

I crawled into bed and shut the curtains, utterly and completely mortified.

The next morning, I woke to laughing and attempts at whispering, but by noon I could take it no longer.

I walked into the Great Hall and saw him there. He was standing over the table, reaching for the potatoes. I strode purposefully up to him, wrenched the plate out of his hands and placed it on the table. He looked quite terrified, the poor bloke. I grabbed his collar and pulled his lips down to mine. His initial shock lasted only very little before he began to kiss me back. And there we were, making out in the Great Hall, where everyone was able to witness -as he could barely keep his hands off me- that Lily Evans does not DUMP AN OVERFLOW OF SALIVA INTO A BLOKE'S MOUTH WHEN SHE SNOGS, thank you very much. I gave him one more sweet peck, adjusted his black and yellow tie, and reconfirmed our date for the following Saturday; he nodded diligently, staring dumbfound after me. I strutted out of the hall, a smirk on my face, as the stupid idiot behind smudgy glasses watched grudgingly from two tables over.

There were, of course, a number of incidences quite like this over the next months. Although, maybe I wasn't quite _nearly_ as dramatic in my retaliations. It was worth it though, the look on his face was truly priceless.

Fourth year, there was slightly less attention directed towards me. But that wasn't necessarily a good thing.

You see, because Potter had found himself a new punching bag: Severus. Honestly, that infuriated me more. Each time Potter directed another curse or cruel word his way, my hatred was only magnified. Pick on me, fine. Pick on my friends, you're dead.

My friendship with Severus ended, however. And oddly enough, I didn't blame Potter for that. And so, indescribably, my hatred for Potter withered. Because I just didn't _care_ anymore. He became nothing to me, just like Sev, at least that's what I tried to convince myself.

And so, for a very long time, James Potter was just another face in a multitude.

It's quite interesting how time makes you forget, makes you trust again.

Sixth year, I was dating a Ravenclaw in his seventh year. We'd been going steady for four months, but when I walked in on him with that little Hufflepuff tramp, four months steady became four months wasted.

I was crying in an empty classroom -afterall, what's another couple of hours wasted in the grand scheme of things- and that's how he found me, curled up, sobbing, humiliated. He wrapped one arm around me and tried to soothe me.

It really is interesting what time does to your memory. Also what vulnerability does to that normally bright sense of mind.

Because there I was, relaying the events of the past hour to a boy whom I had previously loathed. He was kind and called the tosser a number of crude things that made me smile a little bit. But most importantly, he promised not to say a word.

The next day, everyone knew.

He told me that he hadn't said a word when I refused him a seat beside me at lunch, and, when he wouldn't leave me alone, I walked out, leaving him staring after me.

I really don't know how a boy could make me so stupid. I don't think rationally when I'm around him. He makes me crazy, and in the worst possible way.

And so I _really_ hadn't planned on speaking to him much, but then Dad passed, and Potter was so kind to me, and when he told me of his mum, I thought maybe he had changed into someone a bit better.

But that's hope. And you really shouldn't allow yourself to hope around someone untrustworthy.

In the timeline of things -I figured it out- his mum had passed prior to our little honesty session in sixth year, but as far as I'm concerned, that doesn't give you a free pass. If anything, it makes you even more responsible because what normal person would want to make another's life hell?

Misery loves company?

I say bullshit.

James Potter is a sneaky little liar, and I do not need that in my life, not now, not ever.

You can give me all the disapproving looks that you'd like after that little confrontation in the prefect compartment. But you just don't understand.

I do not trust James Potter. I need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt because I _can't_ trust him anymore.

I don't know if any of this made sense. It probably didn't. But I guess… all I have to say is, you had to be there. You had to experience the past six years with him to understand just how much of my forgiveness and kindness I tried to give, maybe not at the beginning but definitely in these last two years, only to be met with disappointment.

Well, I don't want to be disappointed anymore. So I'm going to steer clear of James Potter for a little while, if you don't mind.

And I realize that that will be quite difficult seeing as I _am_ Head Girl and he _is_ Head Boy and, despite what I'd said, we will be needing to do a bit of work together… Hopefully not an awful lot though.

Either way, this year has to be about me, finding what makes me happy because Merlin knows I'm lacking quite a bit of happiness in my life. I need to get rid of the negative parts of my life (like certain people that I can't trust…). I need to focus on studies and duties, of course. But more than anything, this year is about me _living,_ doing things I'd never dreamed of, taking some chances and watching them fail and then taking _more_ chances and watching them succeed. Because I'm tired of building walls with Beth and Adalyn. Because I want to be able to find joy even when the world around me is telling me that I don't belong. Because Dad would want me to live.

So, I'll do anything, try anything, taste anything, search for anything. That is my goal. _That_ is my goal, I tell myself as I re-enter my compartment.

Beth and Ad are mostly how I left them, sprawled about, wrappers littering the floor. They look up and smile at me.

"Hey Lil. How was the meeting?"

"It was great."

They look at each other.

"Really?" Ad looks at me skeptically.

"Really." I take a seat after shoving her feet off my side of the bench. "Why wouldn't it be great?"

"Well… well…"

"Well because James Potter is Head Boy, _that's_ why!"

I stared at them, disbelievingly.

"You KNEW?! You knew and you couldn't give me _some_ kind of warning? Just a 'Watch out, Lils, 'cause the prat who ruined your life is your go-to man for the next year' or maybe just an 'Oy, Lil. Potter, Head Boy' as I ran down the hall'?"

"You would've killed us."

"I wouldn't have had _time_ to kill you! But at least I wouldn't have looked like an idiot in front of everybody. Doesn't even know who the ruddy Head Boy is! Honestly, I think a century passed by the time I got a single word out."

"So it didn't go well then." Adalyn had started to get bored and was digging through her bag for something. She pulled out a book. I snatched it from her.

"No. It. Very. Well. Didn't. Go. Well." I said, hitting her arm with the book.

"Ow. Ow. OW LIL. I'M SORRY."

"Hmm, yeah I bet you are."

"We're sorry, Lil. Truly. Come on, tell us how it really went." Beth actually looked slightly apologetic. I gave her my best upset face for a few moments more before giving in.

"Fine… It went fine. Once I got my bearings, I said all I had to say."

"And James? How was he?"

"Potter didn't say a thing. And I told him that I'd like it remain that way."

Beth made a face and just nodded. Adalyn looked a bit peeved. They of course knew of the issues I have with Potter, not necessarily to the fullest extent, but to a degree that made them understand. They were actually both friends with him. Ad's on Quidditch with him, and Beth, well Beth just likes everyone. But for my sake, they dropped the subject.

Instead, we picked up on the subject of Theo Collins, Beth's boyfriend of two years.

"Oh yes," she said, smiling, blushing, "He wrote me at least twice a week while I was off in Austria. He's so romantic. In one of his letters, he talked about our first date. You remember, don't you? I was such a mess."

"Yah, you almost went off wearing those hideous sneakers of yours. Oh and the hat! Who can forget the hat. You totally have me to thank for this relationship because there's no way Theo would've even looked at you again if you'd shown up looking like a 4-year-old."

Beth swiped at Adalyn.

"Don't be mean! He actually loves my sneakers."

"Trust me, he only says that 'cause he loves you, not the shoes."

"I don't really know how you feel justified judging _my_ clothes when you've got those awfully slaggy shirts of yours. Leather and lace together, really Ad?"

"Boys _like_ the lace and leather, thank you."

"Not the types of boys you should be wanting to like-"

"I want to be a Healer." They stopped their bickering and looked at me.

They both sat silently for a few moments, a confused look plastered on both of their faces. "But I thought you wanted to be an Auror," Adalyn said questioningly.

"I did… But I just keep thinking about my Dad and about An… about all these people who lose their lives because of illnesses or curses. And, I don't know. I just, I want to help."

"You can do anything you set your mind to, Lil. You know that. You'd be a brilliant Healer." Silence filled the room as our voices filled our own heads. And then Beth continued, "Where'd that come from?"

"I want you guys to know that I know I've been distant for a while, closed off. Well… no more. I want you to know everything. Because you're my best friends."

And then they smiled.

A half hour later, Theo came in, plopping a kiss on Beth's lips before stealing her away. We heard Beth giggling all down the hall.

"Come here, you." And then Adalyn pulled me into a tight hug.

You know, Beth, Adalyn, and I are all really close, and it's not that I like Adalyn more, it's just that somehow, I feel more comfortable with her. She truly gets me.

"I missed you, ginger."

"I missed you too."

"No, but I mean, I _really_ missed. I missed hearing you laugh."

I smiled at her. "Yah, that's been a little dead for a while, hasn't it? Well, like I said, no more."

"But you know, just because you want to be loud and silly again doesn't mean the sometimes sad Lily isn't allowed. I really want to know _everything_. You've got to let me know how you're doing, alright?"

I stared at my fidgeting thumbs. "Yah, alright."

An hour later, Beth was back. We all prepared to arrive, adjusting our robes and gathering our things. The sun had only just set as we stepped off the train into the slightly warm air of Hogsmeade. The town smelled of pastries and butterbear and cool autumn air. I smiled as I finally felt gloriously weightless.

We grabbed a carriage and were accompanied by a shy second year who couldn't seem to find her mates. She was a little chatter box, and Adalyn had quite a bit of fun scaring the poor girl. Beth shoved Adalyn as I calmed the girl down and told her that Adalyn was just joking. The girl looked relieved and then proceeded to animatedly discuss her summer. We laughed and shared the last of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and talked of classes and friends and boys and professors, giving the little second year a sense of what awaited her. She looked thrilled.

We arrived at the castle, and, after the last boy was named a Ravenclaw, we began the feast.

Just in case you didn't know, Hogwarts food is _good_. I ate like an actual pig, chicken and potatoes and gravy and rice and salad and bread and ice cream and cake. Oh and pudding. And a cookie.

After I'd properly stuffed my face, Dumbledore dismissed all the students, announcing that they were to follow their prefects to their common rooms where the password was to be distributed.

I nearly choked on my cookie as I jumped out of my seat.

"Bugger bugger bugger. Oh crap." I was trying to shove through the crowds. You know what, they should just take my Head Girl badge away already because if today is any indication, I probably won't be a very good one. Best Head Girl in Hogwarts history. Psh. As if.

"What's wrong, Lily?" Beth right behind me.

"I _forgot_ to give everyone their passwords." I was shoving through, but the prefects were all up ahead, already making their way up to their common rooms. Merlin, they're already so used to not having such a worthless Head Girl that they didn't realize. In ten minutes time, they'd all be storming down, shouting for my resignation. Oh damn it all.

"Abrahms! Patil! Lyle!" I tried shouting over the masses. I waved the paper with the passwords above my head trying to catch their attention.

"What's wrong, Evans?" Sirius Black asked over my shoulder. I rolled my eyes.

"Not now, Black." Black rolled his eyes and flipped his hair.

"Chill, ginger."

"Lily?"

Potter had apparently caught up to his other hip.

I shut my eyes before facing him. "I forgot to hand out the passwords, alright? And now they're heading up there only to come down moments from now, furious, because I'm an idiot." I let out a sigh as I waited for a burst of laughter or some kind of reprimand or agreement that, yes, this redhead is, in fact, horridly dumb, but it didn't come.

Black had lost interest and was a ways off chatting with Ad and Beth, but Potter was still there. He was looking down at his feet guiltily.

"What? What is it?"

He blew out a gust of air and ran his hand through his hair. "Well, I know you said you didn't want any help. But I sort of realized once you'd left that we hadn't done that part. And so… so I found everybody and handed out the passwords. So, no furious mobs tonight, I'm afraid."

I just stared at him. And then I felt guilty again. Oh damn.

"Th-Thank you." And then I folded up my parchment and gave him a slight nod before catching up to Beth and Adalyn, my cheeks flaming.

"All sorted then?" Ad inquired.

"Yeah, Potter already handed them out," I said, trying to look busy, trying to hide my embarrassment.

"Ah! Not such the useless potato we'd thought he'd be then! Well that's just grand." Beth sighed as Adalyn continued jabbering about all the food she'd eaten and how well she'd sleep tonight. But my thoughts were elsewhere. Hm. James bloody Potter.

No. NO LIL. Untrustworthy. Remember. Untrustworthy.

Merlin.

I gave the Fat Lady the password, Mimbulus Mimbletonia, and entered the common room. It was full of scarlet and gold. The fire was already ablaze and couches and chairs sat invitingly to the students. Not ten minutes later would students be sitting alongside the fire, chatting and playing games, others would be off in the corner, reading a good book.

However, ten minutes later, I was still marveling at my room. Head Girls get their own rooms because Head Girls are responsible and deserving… bugger.

Beth and Adalyn were with me. Adalyn eyed the queen bed quite a bit while Beth marveled at the idea of my own bathroom. And then we layed on my bed, breathing in that this was our last year.

"Let's make it great, yah?" Beth's eyes were closed.

Adalyn and I smiled to one another, and then Ad's eyes closed too. She hummed in agreement.

"Let's make it great," I said.

We chatted a little while longer, but once yawns made up the conversation rather than words, they headed out, mumbling goodnights and love.

I fumbled around my trunk for my pajamas, the ones with ice cream cones and smiley faces. I dragged my feet to the loo and managed to get my teeth and face clean. And then I just stared in the mirror for a little while.

My eyes were droopy from sleepiness, and I was a little pale, but what else was new. I pulled my ginger hair into a ponytail and trudged off back to bed.

The silence was strange. Not necessarily bad. I didn't really want to think, so I tried my very best to sleep. I guess my very best is sometimes good enough (rare, that) because two minutes later, thoughts of passwords and fathers and friends and Head Boys were far away, and all I dreamed of was cloudless nights and stars.

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Well, thanks for reading another one, fanfic friends! I hope you enjoyed it.

Comments are splendid, they truly brighten my day. Critical or complimentary or maybe just a little note telling me about your day. All are welcome!

peace . love . potter


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